“31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
What is marriage designed to be? Rod Stewart sang this song about his wife Rachel Hunter back in 1993 and turned it into a hit. “Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there’s no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness; take away all my sadness, ease my troubles—that’s what you do.” Is that an apt description of marriage?
Maybe you think John Michael Montgomery’s hit from that same year is a better description of marriage. “I’ll give you everything I can, I’ll build your dreams with these two hands. We’ll hang some memories on the wall, and when there’s silver in your hair, you won’t have to ask if I still care ‘cause as time turns the page my love won’t age at all. I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky, I’ll be there. I swear like the shadow that’s by your side, I’ll be there. For better or worse till death do us part, I’ll love you with every beat of my heart.”
What is marriage designed to be? If you don’t have a good answer for that question, you won’t have a good metric by which to measure your marriage. You’ll still measure your marriage, but you will do so by way of your emotions, or how your spouse is meeting your expectations, or by comparing your marriage with other marriages you see from the outside, or even by how your marriage lives up to the last love song you heard on the radio. Unhelpful metrics produce unhelpful measurements. What you need is the proper metric by which to measure marriage and that’s what we will study this morning. We will study what marriage is designed to be. Marriage is a reflection of Christ and the church. We will be seeing just how practical that is and that’s the claim of this sermon: marriage is a reflection of Christ and the church.
We will study this in three points. First: grounding the argument. Second: the mystery made public. Third: an overview of responsibilities. Each verse gets a point—verse 31, grounding the argument; verse 32, the mystery of marriage; verse 33, an overview of responsibilities.
First: grounding the argument. We will be working our way backwards through these three sections on marriage in Ephesians 5. We do so because I want you to see how Paul grounded his argument. Paul was making an argument for how wives should behave in marriage. He was making an argument about how husbands should behave in marriage. He was making an argument about the design of marriage and he was arguing from something. He was arguing from Scripture. He was arguing from Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Notice what Paul did not argue from. He didn’t argue from experience—“this is what it was like for my parents…” He didn’t argue from pragmatics—“this is what will work…” He didn’t argue from emotions—“you know you are doing it right if this is how you feel.” He didn’t argue from statistics—“seventy-two percent of married couples report they grow closer when…” He didn’t argue from the surrounding culture—“everybody know that marriage is…” He didn’t argue from mere human authority—“you know Aristotle said that marriage is…” He argued from Scripture. There is a place for some of those other arguments, but none of them carry the authority we have here in Genesis. If you think they do, you aren’t treating Scripture the way Jesus did.
When Paul wanted to explain marriage, he built his argument off Scripture. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” Paul chose to use the Septuagint, which is the Greek Old Testament, here rather than the Hebrew text probably because it says “the two will become one flesh” rather than “they will become one flesh.” While it’s obvious in the Hebrew that only two partners are in mind, Paul chose the Greek because he wanted to emphasize the idea of two becoming one because it is central to his argument about the one flesh union of husbands and wives and the union of Christ and the church.
Now I’m using the language of argument because as we study this teaching on marriage, you need to recognize that this is fully Paul just as it is fully God. The New Testament did not come to the apostles outside their own reasoning. The Holy Spirit worked through them as they reasoned through the Old Testament and the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus to applied it to real situations. Paul didn’t fall into a trance and find himself amazed to see the letter of Ephesians all written out when he woke up. He was building a carefully reasoned argument to help this church in Ephesus understand God’s will for marriage, in this case. He thought these people were important enough for him to put in the effort. That’s why preachers take calls to churches. They think that the people are important enough for to reason through life from this inspired text for the church’s good.
So let’s reason through it. Notice the flesh/body language in the Genesis text, “the two will become one flesh.” Notice the flesh/body language in Paul’s argument about the responsibilities of husbands and wives; verse 23, “the husband is the head of the wife”—that’s body talk; verse 28, “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies”; verse 29, “no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body.” Paul says what he says to husbands and wives because Genesis says that they are one flesh.
Notice the pursuing language used for the man in Genesis; “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.” The man is to love his wife in a pro-active way—nourishing and cherishing in verse 29. The husband is to move toward the wife because that’s what Genesis says.
The wife is described in receptive terms; “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.” She is described as receiving her husband’s leadership; verse 22, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord”; verse 24, “ as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” The wife receives the husbands initiative in Paul’s day and today because that’s how it was in the beginning.
Now before we move on I want to think about the first three words of verse 31, “for this reason.” When you read “for this reason”, ask yourself, “for what reason?” Why should a man and woman leave and cleave? Go back to Genesis 3:24, ‘she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ The man will be united with the woman because the woman was taken out of the man. There is a proper place to talk about completion in marriage just like we saw there is a proper way to talk about completion as we saw last week with singleness.
All we’ve done so far in this study is to see Genesis in Paul’s teaching. This is what it looks like to reason in terms of Scripture. Paul didn’t absorb the categories of his surrounding culture and then try to force his own version of Christianity to fit in. He made it his business to be transformed by thinking in terms of Scripture, by the renewing of his mind. If you think Bible studies or sermons are boring, ask yourself if you are making it your business to think in Scriptural categories. That’s how Jesus thought about life, and he is anything but boring. ‘Jesus said to them, “Have you never read in the Scriptures…”’ ‘Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.”’ “Jesus opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures.” If you don’t want to think in terms of God’s word, you are going to have a rough time in God’s world. God doesn’t want that for His people, which is just one reason He gave you this word.
As you come to think about life in terms of God’s word, you start to see God in life. We see a beautiful instance of that here in our second point: the mystery made public. At first glance, Paul’s words in verse 32 seem to come out of nowhere, “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” When this verse first hits you (and that’s what it does—it hits you), you push back—at least I do. I think, “no, Paul, you were talking about husbands and wives; let’s not get overly spiritual here”, but let’s look closer; look at verse 23, “the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior”; look at verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church:” look at verse 29, “no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.” Paul has been talking about Christ and the church, and he has been talking about husbands and wives.
He has been talking about both. Now many people think that’s the mystery—how marriage is like Christ and the church; “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church,” but the mystery isn’t the hidden way in which marriage is related to Christ and the church. The mystery is something much deeper but knowable.
We use the word “mystery” much differently than Paul did, and Paul used it regularly in this letter. Ephesians 1:9, “He made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure, which He purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.” Remember that unity of heaven and earth. In chapter 3, Paul talks about the mystery of Christ saying, “This mystery is that through the gospel the Gentiles are heirs together with Israel, members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus.” Remember that unity of Jews and Gentiles.
The mystery is the way in which God unites what’s been separated. That’s how Paul used the word mystery—the plan of God to reconcile all things which has now been revealed in Jesus. It was hidden; now it has been revealed. The mystery is how God unites sinful humanity and Himself. This mystery is reflected in marriage which is about uniting what’s been separated. “For this reason… the two will become one flesh.”
Marriage is a public picture show of God’s plan to reunite what’s been separated. This is what makes it a statement about Christ and his church. Husbands pursue their brides because Christ’s pursued his bride—“from heaven he came and sought her to be his holy bride.” Wives are to respond to their husband’s pursuit and leadership because that’s what the church is called to do with Christ.
This means that our marriages are living parables of what God is doing through the gospel. As Peter O’Brien put it in his comments on this verse, ‘A Christian marriage is to reveal the mystery of Christ loving his responsive church. Such a marriage bears living witness to the meaning of “two becoming one.”’ Your marriage might be the instrument by which someone comes to understand what it means for God and His people to become one. Your marriage might give your son the categories to understand what loving leadership looks like and then to recognize it in Christ. Your marriage might give that girl in youth group the categories to understand what honoring God-given authority really looks like and then to recognize that she wants to give this to Christ. Marriage matters much more than we think just as last week we saw that singleness matters much more than we think.
It matters so much more than we think because it is a picture of God reconciling all things. There is a reason the new creation begins with a wedding, “I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.” When these two finally become one, everything is finally as it should be again; it is a return to Eden.
The best picture I’ve seen of this in popular media might surprise you, but it’s The Lion King. It is the scene where Simba and Nala recognize their love for each other as they play in creation. “Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings. The world, for once, in perfect harmony with all its living things.” You can find some new age elements in that movie, but the idea that all creation finally finds its harmony in the love between a groom and his bride is straight from the Bible. This is God’s hidden plan now revealed; I am talking about Christ and the church.
So how do we put this into action in marriage day by day? That’s the next two weeks and we will point our nose in that direction in this final point: an overview of responsibilities. You put this glorious pattern into practice in the most practical of ways; verse 33, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
You paint this picture of Christ and his church with thousands of largely imperceptible brushstrokes of love and respect. The husband sacrifices time he would normally spend on a hobby for his wife’s good, “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” He steps out of his comfort zone to bless her; “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.” He starts to think about what would be life-giving in her schedule just as he already thinks about what’s life giving in his own schedule; “after all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.”
The wife starts to think about honoring her husband—imperfect as he is—because she wants to honor someone is perfect; “submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” She cheers on their marriage even when it feels like a losing team; “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” She honors him not because he is everything he should be but because he is hers.
This is for every husband and every wife. The words for “husband” and “wife” are singular here; “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” This isn’t for a hypothetical marriage. This isn’t for certain marriages. If you are married, this is for your marriage. The next two studies are for your marriage.
This is about how you put into practice in your marriage what God is doing in history. This is about what God is doing with humanity. That means that in a way, “have I told you lately that I love you?” is about what God is doing with humanity. “Have I told you there’s no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness; take away all my sadness, ease my troubles—that’s what you do.”
Rod Stewart sang that song about his wife, but Van Morrison wrote it and sang it first. Piecing together what he’s said about that song, it seems that he wrote it about God. “Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you there’s no one else above you? You fill my heart with gladness; take away all my sadness, ease my troubles—that’s what you do. For the morning sun and all its glory greets the day with hope and comfort, too. You fill my life with laughter, and somehow, you make it better, ease my troubles, that's what you do. There’s a love that’s divine, and it’s yours and it's mine like the sun, and at the end of the day we should give thanks and pray to the one, to the one.”
That’s a song about the One who is willing to become one with his people. That’s a song about the groom who delights in his bride and brings delight to his bride. “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about God and us.” Amen.