“We don’t need to bop someone on the head to make drama on the screen,” said Mr. Rogers. “I think that it is much more dramatic that two men could be working out their feelings of anger, much more dramatic, than showing something of gunfire. [We deal] with the feelings about brothers and sisters and the kind of anger that arises in simple family situations, and we deal with it constructively.”
Fred Rogers spoke those words on May 1, 1969, before the Senate Subcommittee on Communications. He was presenting what he saw as the benefits of public television. He was saying that disagreements, anger, and conflict are inescapably part of life and that if children don’t learn to deal with them constructively, they will certainly deal with them destructively and that’s why he dramatized conflict the way he did on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood for PBS.
Now Mr. Rogers was right to say that disagreements, anger, and conflict are inescapably part of life. You can’t avoid them if you have any sort of relationships with anyone. You will either deal with conflict in a constructive way or you will deal with it in a way that destroys much of what you love. Proverbs would agree. We can deal with conflict constructively or destructively. That’s the claim of this last sermon on Proverbs: we can deal with conflict constructively or destructively.
We will study this in three points. First: the nature of conflict. Second: destructive conflict. Third: constructive conflict.
First: the nature of conflict. As long as there are different people, there will be disagreements. It’s naïve to think otherwise. Paul and Barnabas had a difference of opinion on whether to bring Jon Mark with them on a mission trip. If something matters, you can be sure that there will be multiple opinions on it. That’s true in politics. That’s true in marriage. That’s true in church.
Now, of course, not every difference of opinion leads to a disagreement. We often decide to overlook a difference because we decide that it isn’t all that consequential. “I’d like to check out Chick-Fil-A. You love to go to Pita Pit. I don’t really care where we eat, but you do so Pita Pit is just as good as Chick-Fil-A for me and then I’m going to eat it and like it.” “I really like that Dixie Dust color paint for the bathroom, but I chose all the fixtures and the color of the wood for the cabinets and the color of the towels, so I can live with your Mulberry Rose.” That sort of thing happens regularly in people’s heads without them ever saying a word.
Sometimes, however a difference of opinion does lead to disagreement. Now that’s not wrong. Disagreement or conflict can be unpleasant, but just because something is unpleasant doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Jesus disagreed with plenty of people. That doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with Jesus.
Imagine that you have a friend who regularly shows up twenty minutes late for the noon meal. His irresponsibility puts you in a bind because you’ve got standing appointments afterwards, but even if you didn’t have those appointments, his lateness certainly isn’t loving. That brings us to our question on the sheet, which is aimed at exploring what’s going on inside of you when anger comes up. The only question for this evening—how do your respond when this friend arrives—not how should you respond, but how do you respond?
Now I raised that question because if, in our relationships, we find ourselves consistently unwilling to confront, we are going to have very frustrating relationships. We might even find ourselves avoiding relationships altogether. However, avoiding relationships to avoid conflict isn’t God’s way. God is clear that we are built for connections. The words “it’s not good for man to be alone,” is about more than marriage. We were made for community and community will always include differences which will involve disagreements. We can’t have the joy of relationship without the discomfort of conflict.
What’s said in marriage counseling is true for all relationships. “It’s not about not fighting. It’s about learning to fighting fair.” Jesus didn’t avoid conflict with the Pharisees. He didn’t avoid conflict with his disciples. He didn’t avoid conflict with his friends. He fought and he fought fair. To learn more about fighting fair, let’s consider what it’s not. That’s our second point: destructive conflict.
Fighting unfairly leads to trouble. Proverbs 15:18, “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” A hot-tempered person isn’t interested in building something good, true, or beautiful together. He or she is interested in getting something off their chest. Speaking out of that sort of irritation will prove destructive. Think back to the last time you spoke out of mere frustration. Maybe you were exasperated with your kid. Maybe you were fed up with a co-worker. Your anger did not contribute toward anything good, true, or beautiful. If anything good came out of that conflict, it came despite your attitude. That’s part of what James meant when he said, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
Now this doesn’t mean that we should never our frustrations, annoyances, and the ways in which we have been wronged. It means that doing so in an angry way will likely lead to a quarrel rather than a constructive conflict. That’s why that proverb continues, “the one who is patient calms a quarrel.”
Failing to have the other person’s best interest at heart will prove destructive. Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up conflict.” Love involves having the other person’s best interest at heart. Most people will listen even to corrections if they believe that you have their best interest at heart. If, however, it becomes obvious to them that you don’t have their best interest at heart, the conversation is going nowhere good, and it’s going there fast. This is true with managing employees. Good employees are willing to hear correction provided it is about their growth as a worker. No employee, however, will accept any sort of correction that is really just the boss getting something off his chest. That will never lead to productivity.
While constructive conflict is focused on the good of the relationship and the other person, destructive conflict is about the self. That’s part of the warning behind Proverbs 17:13-14, “Evil will never leave the house of one who pays back evil for good. Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” Many conflicts have nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with what’s going on inside the person that started the conflict. “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” Many a marriage conflict has arisen because one or both partners are dissatisfied with work or are dissatisfied because they’ve realized that they aren’t accomplishing what they wanted by this point in life. In short, they aren’t even really fighting about their marriage. When we want life to be different, we are quick to quarrel and often theose nearest to us are our targets. We need to keep that in check because it can only lead to destruction, often the destruction of something we love.
Inserting ourselves in conflicts that are not our own will prove destructive. Proverbs 26:17, “Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.” We might think that we are doing other people favors by putting ourselves in the middle as a buffer, but that’s not how it works. It just makes the resolution that needs to happen much more unlikely.
Doug Bixby tells about a time he put himself in the middle. He was a residence hall director at a college. He was supervising the RAs, which are students who supervise one floor of a dorm by fostering community and making sure the other students follow the policies. If a student broke a policy, the RA would write up their fellow student, and pass it on to the Dean of Students, who would deal with the discipline process. As a Residence Hall Director, Doug was there to advise the RAs.
An RA came to Doug in tears because she had to write up a friend of hers for having alcohol in her room. The friend did not take the write up well and when the guilty student met with the dean, the dean decided to be lenient. The guilty student came back to the RA, tossed her the write up, and laughed about the fact nothing happened. Now Doug wisely told the RA to talk to the dean about it. That is how you do it. Doug siding with the dean or siding with her was not what was needed. A disagreement can only be solved by the people who disagree. The RA agreed and set up an appointment with the dean. So far, so good. Before that conversation between the dean and the RA, however, Doug ran into the dean and told him about the RA’s frustrations. That’s, “Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.” The dean was immediately quite frustrated that the RA didn’t just come and talk to him directly so they could work it out, which if Doug had remained silent, would have been the process. As a result of getting in the middle, Doug’s relationship with the dean suffered and his relationship with the RA suffered. “Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.”
We need to stay out of conversations that need to happen between other people. We also need to leave other people who aren’t in the room out of conversations. Proverbs 17:9, “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”
Bringing someone who isn’t in the room into a conflict proves destructive. Words that weren’t meant for someone to hear in the first place are literally not meant for that person. There’s a lovely example of this in Narnia book, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. A little girl Lucy looked into a magic pool and saw a friend of hers, Marjorie, talking with another girl from school, Anne. Marjorie and Anne were talking about Lucy. Anne was teasing Marjorie for hanging out with Lucy so much. She said that Marjorie was crazy about Lucy. Marjorie said, “no, [Lucy’s] not a bad little kid in her way, but I was getting pretty tired of her before the end of the term.” Lucy, watching all this in the magic pool said, “well, you jolly well won’t have the chance any other term!” The lion Aslan came and said, “child, you’ve been eavesdropping. You have misjudged your friend. She is weak, but she loves you and said what she did not mean.” Lucy shouldn’t have watched that conversation, but that’s rarely the way it goes. It’s usually us passing on words that were never meant for someone else to hear.
“I don’t think I’d ever be able to forget what I heard her say,” Lucy told Aslan. “No, you won’t,” said Aslan. “Have I spoiled everything?” asked Lucy. “Do you mean that we would have gone on being friends if it hadn’t been for this—and been really great friends—all our lives perhaps—and now we never shall?” “Child,” said Aslan, “did I not explain to you once before that no one is ever told what would have happened?”
Bringing someone who isn’t in the room into the room is destructive. Other people are capable of speaking for themselves. We do not do any relationship any favors by passing on what others say. We just open the door for sorrow that wouldn’t have happened without our passing along trouble.
Now our final point is on constructive conflict. It is shorter because so much of constructive conflict consists in doing the opposite of conflict—control yourself, have the other person’s best interest at heart, deal directly with the person and no one else. That’s pretty much the summary of Jesus’ clear commands on conflict from Matthew 18. There are a few other parts of constructive conflict to note though and that’s our final point: constructive conflict.
Constructive conflict involves asking questions before making judgments. Proverbs 18:17, “In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines.” There is always more than meets the eye in any situation. You need to do the hard work of asking questions of the person with whom you are having the conflict to see what’s going on from their perspective.
Constructive conflict involves a recognition that you are not the judge in this conflict. When you become the judge and the jury, you doubtlessly become the executioner. Proverbs says that if you want constructive conflict, you need to avoid taking on those roles. Proverbs 20:22, “Wait for the Lord, and He will avenge you.”
You don’t need to change this other person. You can’t change this other person. You have no right to stand in that position anyway. You aren’t the judge. God, however, is, and He is your judge as well. He is perfectly capable of giving out proper discipline to all parties in the conflict. He is perfectly capable of discipling all parties in the conflict as well. This frees you up from any need to get even, which can only lead to more destructive conflict.
Doing good to the other person is part of constructive conflict. Proverbs 25:21-22, “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” You see this in Priam. In the film Troy, based on Homer’s Iliad, Priam is the king of Troy. He watches the Greek super soldier Achilles slaughter his son Prince Hector in single combat. He watches Achilles spitefully his boy’s dead body behind his chariot out of spite. That night Priam, sneaks into Achilles’ tent to speak to the man who killed his son. Achilles tells him, “You are a brave man. I could have your head on a spit.” Priam responds, “Do you really think death frightens me now? I watched my eldest son die, watched you drag his body behind your chariot. Give him back to me. He deserves the honor of a proper burial. You know that.” Achilles says, “He killed my cousin.” “He thought it was you,” says Priam. “How many cousins have you killed, how many sons and fathers and brothers and husbands, how many brave Achilles?” Eventually Achilles explains the situation as he sees it to Priam, “If I let you take [your son’s body], it doesn’t change anything. You are still my enemy in the morning.” “You are still my enemy tonight,” Priam says, “but even enemies can show respect.” Achilles walks out of his tent. He weeps like a baby because he realizes that he’s been fighting for the wrong king all along. Priam got his boy’s body. He handled that conflict in a constructive way by showing respect. “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.”
That is the goal. The goal in conflict is never to get it over with. Constructive conflict recognizes that. That takes us back to Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers was testifying before that Senate Subcommittee because there was a push to cut the PBS budget. There’s twenty million dollars at stake. John Pastore, the senator from Rhode Island, was the chairman of the sub-committee tasked with deciding whether to do so. Pastore was a gruff and abrasive man. At the beginning of Fred Rogers’ testimony, Pastore rolls his eyes at RogersMr. Rogers handled himself exactly as he taught the kids to do on his show. He handled himself according to Proverbs’ wisdom for constructive conflict. He refused to fall into destructive conflict, and if you don’t think this is a conflict, remember there is twenty million on the line. Watch Rogers. Watch the Senator. Watch constructive conflict.
Very good things can happen through conflict. They were both very pleased with the outcome. There are good things in life that can only come through conflict. Trying to avoid conflict doesn’t avoid conflict at all. It just leads to destruction. Mr. Rogers’ question remains with us all—“what do you with the mad that you feel? When you feel so mad you could bite?” because you will find yourself there. What are you going to do with it? Amen.