‘It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Could you be mine? Would you be mine? It’s a neighborly day in this beauty wood, a neighborly day for a beauty. Could you be mine? Would you be mine? I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you. I’ve always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you. Let’s make the most of this beautiful day. Since we’re together, might as well say, “Would you be my, could you be my, Won’t you be my neighbor?”’
That’s the theme song from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. We’ll keep returning to Mr. Rogers because there is a lot of overlap between what he was trying to do with his show and what Solomon was trying to do with the book of Proverbs. Both are attempts to instill virtues in young people. Both teach life lessons that adults never outgrow.
Our focus this evening is seen in the Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood theme song, “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor. Could you be mine? Would you be mine?” That song combines what it means to be a friend with what it means to be a neighbor. Fred Rogers was painting an ideal. He knew that the category of neighbor and the category of friend were different, but he also knew that it would be a better world if every friend was a neighbor and if every neighbor was friendly. This evening we are going to see what the book of Proverbs has to say about these categories of neighbors and friends. Those two categories are our two points: neighbors and friends. First: neighbors. Second: friends.
First: neighbors. The definition of a neighbor has some flexibility to it, but no matter how you slice it the category of neighbor certainly includes those who live near you. Your neighbors are obviously those with whom you share a property line. Sharing a property line carries certain obligations. That’s the logic behind Proverbs 27:14, “If anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.” To modernize this, you might regularly honk your horn to say, “hi,” but your neighbor won’t appreciate it if you say, “hi,” that way at 5:00 am. In other words, just because you think your neighbor should appreciate something doesn’t mean your neighbor will appreciate it. You might like to blast music at 120 decibels, and you might think your neighbor will appreciate the free Bob Seger concert coming from your sound system, but that doesn’t mean your neighbor will appreciate it. The idea here is that your neighbor has a right to live their own life on their own property.
We shouldn’t presume upon our neighbors. That’s part of Proverbs 25:17, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house—too much of you, and they will hate you.” This isn’t about discouraging friendship between neighbors. It’s great to have friends as neighbors and neighbors as friends. This is about discouraging presuming that your neighbor falls into the category of friend.
Imagine two neighbors, Bob and Hank. Bob and Hank aren’t close friends; neighbors don’t need to be close friends in the sense of doing everything together, but Hank acts as if they were good friends by stopping by multiple times a week to borrow Bob’s tools. Bob is a builder and so he’s got every tool under the sun. Bob would be fine with Hank borrowing a tool every so often, but it’s gotten to the point that Hank has many of the tools Bob needs for work. Hank is presuming upon their relationship. That’s what’s going on with, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house—too much of you, and they will hate you.”
Now neighbors need to bear with one another. We’ve all got our own quirks and habits. The message here is that presuming upon a neighbor’s patience isn’t wise or loving to that neighbor. That brings us to our first set of questions. How must neighbors bear with one another? How can you bear with your neighbor and how might your neighbor already be bearing with you?
Neighbors should give real help when needed while avoiding doing any harm to one another. That’s what’s going on with Proverbs 3:27-29, ‘Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—when you already have it with you. Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully near you.’ If your neighbor needs help and you can help, help. If there is an action that might harm your neighbor, don’t do that action, and apologize if you do. That’s wisdom and that’s what Mr. Rogers would say as well. We never outgrow the lessons we learn as children.
Neighbors need to help one another when needed and avoiding injuring their relationship because being a neighbor is a long-term relationship. You don’t need to figure out how to maintain relations with a random cashier at a store you rarely frequent. You don’t need to how to maintain relations with a relative you see once a year at a family gathering. You do need to figure out how to maintain relations with your neighbors because this is a long-term relationship. That’s what’s behind Proverbs 26:18-19, ‘Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”’
Now on a scale of one to ten, one being fine and ten being truly troubling, a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is much nearer a ten than a one. Neighbors who don’t deal honestly and who lie about the fact that they aren’t dealing dishonestly when confronted are much nearer the ten on a trouble scale than a one. They are behaving like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death so don’t do that. Tell the truth to your neighbor and if you are caught in a lie by your neighbor, confess it and make the situation right.
Say what you mean and mean what you say to your neighbor. This looks differently depending on whether you’ve got farmland that butts up against someone else’s land or a zoning issue having to do with construction of a shed or your dog riffling through neighborhood garbage cans. Difficulties will inevitably arise and when they do, say what you mean and mean what you say.
To do otherwise is to create trouble. Proverbs 29:5, “Those who flatter their neighbors are spreading nets for their feet.” Complimenting someone to get them to do what you want them to do leads to trouble. In other words, while genuinely complimenting someone is great, manipulating others with compliments is wrong. Trying to make a relationship right with words without actions will not fix the problem. When you find out that someone is buttering you up, you trust them less not more. You begin wondering what they are angling for. It’s a whole lot better if we just say what we mean and mean what we say. That’s what you want from your neighbor and that’s what your neighbor wants from you.
That’s talking to your neighbor. The next Proverb has to do with talking about your neighbor. Proverbs 11:12, “Whoever derides their neighbor has no sense, but the one who has understanding holds their tongue.” Since your relationship with your neighbor is a long term one it is all the more important to talk to your neighbor not about your neighbor if there is an issue that needs to be resolved. Let’s return to Bob and Hank. Remember Hank was taking unfair advantage of having Bob as his neighbor by regularly borrowing his tools. Bob could have talked directly to Hank about the situation or Bob could have decided to overlook the offense. Bob didn’t. Bob was over at Ralph’s house helping Ralph repair his garage door. Bob realized that he was missing a tool and so he told Ralph all about the way that Hank always borrowed his tools. He called Hank a mooch. Later that week Bob was at the hardware store buying some tools. He told the clerk that he needed them because his neighbor Hank was mooching of him. The clerk didn’t say much. The three guys behind Bob didn’t say much. A week later, Bob came home and found all the tools that Hank had ever borrowed there on the tool bench with a note saying, “here’s your tools… from, the Mooch.” An irritation—borrowing the tools—has become a conflict that will take much more effort to resolve. “Whoever derides their neighbor has no sense, but the one who has understanding holds their tongue.”
These proverbs are all about making and keeping good relations with neighbors, but they aren’t just wise. They are righteous. The summary of the horizontal commandments—those dealing with other people—is love your neighbor as yourself or do unto others what you would have them do unto you. These proverbs are just specific applications of that to sticky situations.
Jesus reminds us that the definition of neighbor is larger than we tend to think. We are to do good to our neighbor in need, right? We studied and I imagine we would all agree with that. “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act.” The parable of the Good Samaritan tells us that our neighbor is anyone we come across in need. We aren’t just to treat others the way that we would like to be treated for the sake of maintaining relationship with people we have to see every day. We are to treat others the way we would like to be treated even if we will never see them again. We are to treat others the way we would like to be treated even if we don’t like them. We are to treat others the way we would like to be treated period. That’s literally the law of human relationships according to God. So that’s neighbors. Now, let’s think about friends. That’s our second point: friends.
Friends are the best. They are among the chief joys of life. Friendship is in serious jeopardy in our culture especially among men. According to one study, fifteen percent of American men say that they have no close friends not counting their relatives. Another eighteen percent say they have only one or two close friends and another sixteen percent say that they have only three close friends. That means a majority of American men have three or fewer people aside from their family with whom they truly share their lives. That’s trouble and we are reaping trouble from that in our nation. Augustine was right, “In this world two things are essential: a healthy life and friendship. God created humans so that they might exist and live: this is life. But if they are not to remain solitary, there must be friendship.
Friends aren’t simply people with whom we are friendly. Friends are, in the words of Ed Cunningham, “those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” Friends are, in the words of Aristotle, “a single soul dwelling in two bodies—theologically off but in another way spot on. Friends see themselves as an “us.” Becoming friends is great. CS Lewis wrote about that moment, ‘Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”’ One of CS Lewis’ best friends, JRR Tolkien, wrote a story about friendship that has grossed over a billion dollars—The Lord of the Rings. People watch it over and over again because of the friendships. We humans are built for friendship. Seven-year-olds on the playground want friends. Seventy-year-olds having coffee want friend. Each of us wants someone who chooses to be with us just because they like us and who will do us good because they love us. This brings us to our second set of question: who are your closest friends? What makes them such close friends?
Friends are for us. Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Friends are willing to see us cry and not only resist the urge to say, “don’t cry,” but cry with us because what hurts us hurts them. Friends are willing to wade through the mess we’ve made for ourselves but only when we ourselves are ready to start moving forward. Friends know our faults and make allowance for them rather than dismissing us because of them. Friends know our strengths and help us believe we have strengths. Now we shouldn’t expect most of this from most people. That would be naïve. We should, however, expect these kindnesses from our friends and give them to our friends. If that sounds impractical, consider where you stand in those statistics on friendship in America from the beginning of this point.
Friends are knit to our heart which makes them a powerful influence for good. It can also make them trouble. Proverbs 12:26, “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” Some friends are for each other in ways that aren’t good for anyone. They defend their friend to the point of defending sin. They stand with their friend against the very counsel of God. That sort of friend will lead a person astray. If you’ve got a friend who stands with you against what’s good for you, you need to rethink that friendship. Choose your friends carefully.
Friends who have your best interest at heart will be for you even if it means begin against a choice you’ve made. Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Now this right to wound needs to be earned. We need to be sure than we are right in our reason for wounding. Job’s friends and God’s words about them are ample warning to us when we think we are experts at Proverbs 27:6, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” Real friends know each other well enough to know how to wound well.
Friends do each other good. Proverbs 27:9, “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.” The idea behind this advice is that it has the good of the friend in mind. While we were in Worthington, I had a friend with whom I had lunch weekly. We talk about life. We talked about troubles. We knew each other well enough to know what the other needed. We knew each other well enough to know the hang ups with which we struggled and how to guide each other out of them. We still talk even though he lives in Thailand. We don’t continue talk because we both like 80’s pop music, although we do; we continue to talk because, “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.”
Proverbs urges us to make such friendships. We need such friendships. It’s not wise to go it alone in life. It’s simply too complicated and each of us too easily deceived. Without good friends we will sink. Proverbs 18:24, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” There are plenty of unreliable friends out there. It’s not hard to find someone who will tells us what we want to hear. As Billy Joel sang, “I can always find someone to say they sympathize if I wear my heart out on my sleeve, but I don’t want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies. All I want is someone to believe.”
Friends who will do you true good are hard to find. This proverb says they can be found. Solomon might have the faithful in mind here. Proverbs 18:24, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” He might be urging us to look for these right friends in the right places. He might also be referring to God; “there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother,” might refer to God. This might be a call to get yourself befriended by God.
Imagine that life. Imagine God committing Himself to your good. Imagine God viewing you and Him as an “us.” Imagine what it would be like for God to put something within you that when He saw it, He could say, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one!” That’s what happens when you are born of the Spirit. You enjoy what Carl Henry enjoyed. “Into the darkness of my young life,” Henry writes of his own conversion, “[God] put bright stars that still shine and sparkle. After that encounter, I walked the world with God as my Friend.” That’s what happens when you travel the road of discipleship and learn from Jesus and he says to you what he said to his original disciples, “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” Imagine that sort of life. That’s what the hymn Praise to the Lord, the Almighty imagines. “Praise to the Lord, who will prosper your work and defend you! Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend you. Ponder anew what the Almighty can do if with His love He befriend you.” That’s a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Praise God for whatever true friends you have. Praise the Lord, the Almighty that He befriends you. Amen.