“31 But eagerly desire the greater gifts. And now I will show you the most excellent way. 1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient. Love is kind. it does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. 5 It is not rude.”
Perhaps you have found yourself apologizing for the actions of a loved one. Perhaps you find yourself apologizing quite often for the actions of a loved one. Think about family get-togethers. Thank about parties. My guess is that the words or actions for which you apologize would be best described as rude. You felt the need to apologize because your loved one’s rudeness had an impact.
‘Last summer, I was working as a waitress at a local restaurant,’ recalls one young woman. ‘I was serving a table with a mother and her little daughter. I brought the food out, and the little girl said, “Thank you.” The mother responded, “You don’t have to thank her, honey, that’s her job.”’ That was rude and that rudeness had an impact on that waitress.
‘I work in a convenience store,” recalls another individual. “One Christmas Eve, we were absolutely packed, and the lines for the check-out were long. My co-worker started to ring-up one woman, but then, this woman said she had forgotten something. She asked to run and grab it. My co-worker agreed to wait for her, and the customer left. Five minutes later, my co-worker was still waiting for the customer to return, and the line was really starting to back-up. My co-worker left the register to go find the woman…only to see her in the magazine aisle, casually flipping through a magazine. My co-worker politely asked if she needed help finding anything. The customer replied with a smile, “Well, you kept me waiting in line, so I decided to keep you waiting. It is not very nice, is it?”’ That rudeness had an impact on the cashier. That rudeness had an impact on everyone in line. Rudeness always makes an impact.
Now both of those accounts come from the working world. Rudeness also makes an impact within the home. Rudeness also makes an impact within the church. Rudeness always makes an impact and it is never the impact of love. That is the claim of this sermon: rudeness always makes an impact and it is never the impact of love.
We will study this in two points. First: love is not rude. Second: love is considerate.
First: love is not rude. We tend to associate rudeness with ill manners. Using your fingers when you should use silverware is rude. Chewing with your mouth open is rude. Burping at the table is rude. The apostle Paul had something more in mind here in 1 Corinthians 13 than mere etiquette. He was thinking of rudeness that dishonors another person. That mother dishonored that waitress. That customer dishonored that cashier and everyone else in line.
Rudeness dishonors others. It pushes itself on others as Jonathan Edwards put it. When you behave rudely, you push your will upon others. You push yourself upon others. “We will do things my way.”
Rudeness is ultimately about pride. Wayne Mack is right, “behaving unbecomingly should be taken seriously, because it usually comes from the same root as arrogance, bragging, or failing to be long-suffering or kind… namely, a focus on self rather than a focus on loving God and esteeming and loving others more than we do ourselves.”
Perhaps you have a tendency to rudeness in speech. You give curt and clipped responses to questions your parents ask at the dinner table. They would like to hear about your day but you would prefer not to talk and so you respond rudely. That comes from pride.
Now, perhaps you don’t think of yourself as rude but rather as someone who has the guts to tell it like it really is. You certainly say what you think, and you say it bluntly and without any tact because, of course, it isn’t your job to hold anyone’s hand through life. ‘I’m not rude. I just call them as I see them.’ This is what most rude people tell themselves. The fact is even if they do speak truth, they certainly aren’t speaking truth motivated by love and that is how people for whom Christ died must speak. John Calvin is right, ‘Love “does not bluster, but observes moderation and propriety.’
If you really do want to tell it like it is, then make sure your hearers hear it like it is. They won’t hear if you speak rudely. Solomon is right, “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” No one has ever convinced anyone of anything with rudeness. Rudeness might cause people to bow to pressure in the moment, but the rude person always loses more than he gains. He makes an impact and he will have to live with that impact.
Rudeness, however, doesn’t consider its impact on others. Jerry Bridges is right, “the inconsiderate person never thinks about the impact of his actions on others. The person who is always late and keeps others waiting is inconsiderate. The person who talks loudly on his cell phone to the disturbance of others nearby is selfishly inconsiderate. So is the teenager who leaves her mess on the kitchen counter for someone else to clean up. Anytime we do not think about the impact of our actions on others we are being selfishly inconsiderate.”
You make an impact on others. Your words make an impact on others. Your actions make an impact on others. Your inaction makes an impact on others. It is very possible that you are behaving quite rudely and that you have no idea the sort of impact you are making on others.
The people of Corinth were making an impact on one another. The well to do were behaving rudely towards the poor. They were behaving rudely at the Lord’s Supper. They often shared an entire meal together in celebration of the Supper. That is a great idea, but the problem is that the well to do came early and feasted and drank while the poorer members worked. When the poorer members finally arrived, the feast was nearly at an end. This meal commemorating our reconciliation with God became a source of conflict for this church. Those well to do members never considered the impact their schedule would have upon their poorer members. Paul rebuked them saying, “when you come together, it is not the Lord’s Supper you eat, for when you are eating, some of you go ahead with your own private suppers. As a result, one person remains hungry and another gets drunk. Don’t you have homes to eat and drink in? Or do you despise the church of God by humiliating those who have nothing?”
We Christians are by no means perfect. We can even behave rudely when it comes to celebrating a meal that commemorates the death of the Son of God on our behalf. We ourselves can behave rudely. Now we don’t do so in exactly the same way as the people of Corinth. We celebrate the Lord’s Supper differently, of course, but it is very possible that you are behaving rudely towards people with whom you share the sacrament. It is possible that you are avoiding a member of this church. You might not think they notice, but I dare say that they do notice that you are shunning them and that your rudeness is having an impact. Now who knows why you are avoiding this member, but that isn’t really at issue. What is at issue is how you are behaving today and avoiding someone or snubbing someone is out of place for the people of God.
Consider Jesus. He wasn’t rude to Judas on the night that Judas betrayed him. He even shared that first Lord’s Supper with him. He washed his feet. Love is not rude.
Love is strong. It is rudeness that is weak. The longshoreman philosopher Eric Hoffer is right, “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”
A man’s bluster and perhaps even bullying are never a sign of strength. They are a sign of weakness. Children never take their father’s terse dismissals as a sign of strength; they might be intimidated but as they grow, they realize that as the saying goes, “to belittle is to be little.” God is never rude because God is strong. God is loving because God is strong.
I find myself acting rudely in times of weakness. I am anxious about a situation and so I make a decision to impose some order; not surprisingly my clumsy attempt to impose order is taken as an imposition. I am fearful about an outcome and my attempts to fix it are ham-fisted. I push myself upon others. Anxiety is a weakness that leads me to behave rudely. Perhaps you have other dynamics at work within you that lead you to behave rudely. What causes you to push your will upon others? What causes you to dishonor others?
To behave rudely is to dishonor others. Your chronic lateness dishonors the people who wait for you. Your unfulfilled promises and commitments dishonor the people who are waiting for your follow through. “As vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes, so are sluggards to those who send them.” Rudeness has an impact. Not surprisingly, dishonoring others has an impact on others.
Is rudeness a sin? It depends. If it is the sort of rudeness that dishonors others rather than the sort of rudeness that merely breaks etiquette, then I think you are on solid ground considering it to be a sin. Chewing with your mouth open merely breaks etiquette; it is no sin. Chewing with your mouth open at your mother’s dinner party in order to embarrass her dishonors your mother. That is a sin because you are commanded to honor your father and mother.
Sin is breaking the commandments of God and the commandments of God are summarized as loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and your neighbor as yourself. Paul is clear that this sort of love is not rude.
Perhaps another way of thinking about this question of rudeness and sin is to notice the rudeness with which Jesus was treated as he died for our sin. He was mocked. That’s rudeness. He was abandoned and denied by friends who promised to stand with him. That’s rudeness. He was clearly dishonored from the time of his arrest until he cried out, “it is finished.” Jesus suffered a good deal of rudeness when he suffered for our sins.
Whatever sin you’ve committed can be forgiven by that suffering. As Jesus hung there being mocked, he cried out, “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.” That forgiveness is available to you as well. Perhaps you’ve been rude to one of your children today. You would not feel comfortable standing up and repeating in front of all of us what it is that you said. You recognize that you have sinned against this child. God will forgive you. You see that at the cross. Ask your child to forgive you. What better way to teach your child that love is not rude than by apologizing to your child for being rude?
Love is not rude. Rather, it is considerate. That is our second point: love is considerate. Rudeness does not take the other person into account. Love does. Love is considerate.
Now throughout this series we have been seeing that the born-again man begins acting in the ways of love. He has the Spirit of God and the hallmark of Holy Spirit is love. This sanctification is a long journey with many steps backward, meaning that a born-again man can still be quite rude.
Charles Simeon was doubtlessly born again, and he was doubtlessly quite rude. John Piper describes Simeon this way, “he had a somewhat harsh and self-assertive air about him. One day, early in Simeon’s ministry, he was visiting Henry Venn, who was pastor twelve miles from Cambridge at Yelling. When he left to go home Venn’s daughters complained to their father about his manner. Venn took the girls to the back yard and said, “Pick me one of those peaches.” But it was early summer, and [it wasn’t time for peaches yet]. [His daughters] asked why he would want the green, unripe fruit. Venn replied, “Well, my dears, it is green now, and we must wait; but a little more sun, and a few more showers, and the peach will be ripe and sweet. So it is with Mr. Simeon.” Simeon came to know himself and his sin very deeply. He described his maturing in the ministry as a growing downward.’
You might know a professing Christian who is quite rude. Perhaps you are related to a professing Christian who is quite rude. Perhaps you are concerned that this loved one might not actually born-again. It is very probable that they are born again but still in progress. CS Lewis is helpful here. “Take the case of a sour old maid, who is a Christian, but cantankerous,” he writes. “On the other hand, take some pleasant and popular fellow, but who has never been to church. Who knows how much more cantankerous the old maid might be if she were not a Christian, and how much more likeable the nice fellow might be if he were a Christian? You can’t judge Christianity simply by comparing the product in these two people, you would need to know what kind of raw material Christ was working on in both cases.”
Perhaps your son is intolerably rude. Who knows how much ruder he would be if he weren’t a Christian? The new birth is an amazing reality. A heart of stone is taken out and a heart of flesh is put in, but this doesn’t lead to perfection overnight. There are any number of unworthy elements that the Holy Spirit is purifying out of all of us. We are to be long-suffering with one another. That is also part of love.
As a man grows in grace, he will become less rude and more considerate. What does such consideration look like? Well, the considerate man treats others with dignity. He takes seriously the truth that we are all created in the image of God. He takes seriously the fact it is impossible to love God who you cannot see if you don’t act in love towards people who you can see. The considerate man will treat others with dignity by refusing to make fun of others. He will do his best to cover their shame and treat them as he would like to be treated. He will be careful to treat others as God has treated him. He will take 1 Corinthians 13 as a guide for how to treat others with dignity. He is to be long-suffering with others. He is to be kind towards others. He is to protect others. He is to be always hope for the best in others.
Now it is helpful and necessary to take Scripture as a guide for how to treat others with dignity because many people have unreasonable expectations as to how they should be treated. Some people will interpret anything less than your total devotion as a sign of rudeness. Some people will interpret any correction as a sign of rudeness. It is true that some of us can be bulls in a china shop, but it is also true that some of us live like pieces of fine china in a bull pen. We will consider this when we study the truth that love is not easily offended. You must not be controlled by other’s expectations. You must be controlled by the Spirit and the Spirit tells you His aims for you here in 1 Corinthians 13.
The considerate man treats others with dignity. The considerate man and, of course, woman, also bears with those who are weak. Now raising children is a day in day out training in bearing with those who are weak. Children do not know what their parents know about relationships, or self-control, or work ethic, or repairing a stool, or answering the phone politely. They do not know what their parents know, which is one of the reasons they have parents.
You bear with your children in all of these areas training them to do what must be done. You know there is no reason to be rude to a five-year-old for not knowing how to fold laundry as well as you do. You know there is no justification for belittling a ten-year-old for not being a forty-year-old. You don’t want to make the impact of rudeness upon your children. You want to be considerate and that means bearing with their weaknesses.
The same is true within this church. Some members within this congregation are more spiritually mature than others. Those who are more mature must bear with those who are less mature. The immature might be committing some sins that the mature have put to death long ago. The immature might be neglecting what has become a daily spiritual discipline for the mature. The mature must not look down on the immature. They must be considerate and train them as they would children they love.
The considerate man treats others with dignity. He bears with the weak. He also understands his station. Imagine a boss asking an employee to pick up breakfast for him on her way to work. He had a busy morning and can’t tear himself away. Now, imagine that he asks her to do so regularly and that he asks her to do an increasing number of other favors that have nothing to do with work. He is dishonoring her because he does not understand his station. He might tell himself, ‘she could say “no” if she didn’t want to do these favors,’ but he doesn’t understand that it is hard to say “no” to a boss. Bosses need to remember their station. Parents need to remember their station. Leaders need to remember their station. It is an act of consideration.
The considerate man treats others with dignity. He bears with the weak. He understands his station. He is also flexible. Jonathan Edwards is right, the “humble man is [flexible in everything except] the cause of his Lord and Master, and the cause of virtue. In these he should be inflexible, but in other things of less weight, or in things which only concern his own temporal interest, he is apt to yield to others.” Remember that the rude man pushes his will on others. He is will-full. The considerate man need not be a pushover, but he is happy to yield when nothing other than his own will is at stake.
Now if know the grace of our Lord Jesus, you know that he is considerate. You know that he was flexible in everything other than God’s will. He never demanded his way for his own sake. You know that he remembered his station in that even though he was God he became a servant rather than demanding service. You know that he was happy to bear with those who are weak, which is, of course, all of us. You know that he treated others with the dignity of being made in the image of God. He took this seriously enough to die for those made in the image of God to restore them to the height from which they had fallen.
If you don’t know the grace of Jesus, please recognize that to know Jesus is to know God. God is as considerate as Jesus. God is as loving as Jesus. Don’t be fooled by your own imaginations about God or what others say about God. “No one has ever seen God, but the Son of God, he has made Him known.”
To know God is to know love. To know Jesus is to know love. He will never belittle you even though He is better than us all. He will never dishonor you although it is He who is worthy of all honor. He will speak the truth to you, but never rudely; He will always speak truth motivated by love.
You can know that love. You come to know that love by knowing Jesus. He is the way to God. “I am the way the truth and the life,” he said. “No one comes to the Father except through me.” If you want that love, you know the way. If you want to dishonor others, you know that way too. Choose well. This is your life. Amen.