When I was in high school there was a kid who got caught doing something rather lewd. I doubt it was the most perverse act anyone in our class did, but the difference was that this kid got caught and the news spread all over school. I think he wound up transferring.
Shame is that powerful. It can make a kid transfer schools. Each of us knows shame’s power to one degree or another. Each of us fears shame. Each of us wants to be honored. That was true in Solomon’s day as well. Proverbs has a great deal to say about what it means to be shamed and what it means to be honored. We will study that in three points. First: honor and shame. Second: the pain of shame. Third: the joy of honor.
First: honor and shame. We Americans view ourselves as individuals. We talk about self-esteem—what I think of me, what you think of you. Anyone in Solomon’s day would find that unimaginably strange. They thought of themselves in terms of others’ opinions to such a degree that the idea of self-esteem would make no sense to them. As scholar Michael Gorman put it, “simply defined, honor and shame refer to the ongoing attribution or loss of esteem by one’s peers, family, social-class, city, and so on… In this context ‘self-esteem’ would be conceived of as a ridiculous oxymoron, the only esteem one has is bestowed not by the self but by the group… In this environment, peer pressure is not negative or something to avoid, but is viewed as appropriate and welcome.”
Sometimes we feel the need to transfer schools for a fresh start like my classmate. That kid is now a man who has a job, maybe a well-paying one; maybe he got married and has kids who are the light of his life. He doesn’t define himself by that one event in high school. It wouldn’t have been so easy in Solomon’s day. Those people were tied to their community in a much more permanent way. What they did as teenagers followed them maybe even for life. Honor was even more essential. Shame was even deadlier, which is hard to imagine because it is exceedingly toxic today. I’m not saying that it should have been that way in the Ancient Near East. I’m just telling you what it was.
Proverbs taught young people how to pursue honor and avoid shame. I want you to turn to the back of your Scripture sheet and look at the questions. To help each of us internalize what we are talking about, we’ve got questions to answer. This first one is on honor and shame. Please take a while to answer the first question on your sheet. Write down three descriptions of what honor feels like and three descriptions of what shame feels like.
Wisdom, which is what this book is all about, leads to honor. Foolishness, which is what this book warns against, leads to shame. That’s Proverbs 3:35, “The wise inherit honor, but fools get only shame.”
Wisdom leads to honor. Knowing when to speak and when to remain silent brings honor. Think about boards you’ve served on. Some people’s words carry extra weight because they know when to speak and how to frame what they say. Their voice carries more weight because they are honored. Wisdom leads to honor.
Foolishness leads to shame. Speaking when you ought to remain silent brings shame. Imagine a young man at the wedding of a friend. He is surprised to see his friend’s ex-girlfriend Laura there as someone else’s date. While congratulating his friend and the bride after the ceremony, this young man says to the groom, “wow, I’m sure it was awkward with Laura here. Man, you were crazy about her.” A comment like that won’t bring honor upon that young man. It will bring shame upon him. Foolishness leads to shame.
Wisdom leads to honor. Foolishness leads to shame. Our culture is trying to redefine what is honorable and shameful but there is part of it that can’t be redefined. “Think of a country where people were admired for running away in battle, or where a man felt proud of double-crossing all the people who had been kindest to him. You might just as well try to imagine a country where two and two made five,” as CS Lewis put it.
There are eternal truths about human nature and honor and shame. These are as unchangeable as gravity. They must be respected. They can’t be defied without eventual consequence. In other words, “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” This book shows us these ways so that we and our children and grandchildren can receive honor rather than shame.
Now we turn our attention to shame to see how we can avoid it. That’s our second point: the pain of shame. Reputation matters. It’s true that we don’t know everything about others, but it would be untrue to say that we know nothing about others. We don’t know everything about Abraham Lincoln or Adolf Hitler but we know there is a difference. Proverbs 10:7 points out that, “The name of the righteous is used in blessings, but the name of the wicked will rot.” Lincoln regularly tops the list of the greatest presidents in history, but there aren’t a lot of baby boys being named Adolf. Shame is real and it is to be avoided.
We humans bring shame on ourselves in a number of ways. In extreme cases, we do it by embracing what is false. Proverbs 13:5, “The righteous hate what is false, but the wicked make themselves a stench and bring shame on themselves.” Germany brought shame upon itself during World War Two by embracing genocide. People bring shame upon themselves by embracing lying as a way of life. People bring shame upon themselves by embracing thievery as a way of life. People bring shame upon themselves by embracing perversion as a way of life. People bring shame upon themselves by embracing what ought to be opposed.
We bring shame upon ourselves when we continue down a path of foolishness after we are warned. Proverbs 13:18, “Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored.” We all wander into foolishness at times. Character is shown, in part, by how we receive correction. Imagine a woman who for whatever reasons finds herself addicted to painkillers. No good-hearted person will think ill of her decision to seek help, but her husband and eventually her children will think ill of her decisions if she perpetually refuses help and allows her addiction to ruin their home. We bring shame upon ourselves when we continue down a path of foolishness after we are warned.
We bring shame upon ourselves when we refuse to do our share. Proverbs 10:5, “He who gathers crops in summer is a prudent son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.” In this example, the rest of the family needs to work harder to make up for the son’s refusal to work. That will have consequences in those relationships. It will have consequences for how that son is seen in the community and could have consequences for him in future employment.
We bring shame upon ourselves when we speak out about what we don’t yet understand. Proverbs 18:13, “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.” There is no shortage of this in our day thanks to social media. There is far more speaking than listening on social media and that is nothing to be proud of; that’s nothing to honor.
We bring shame upon ourselves when we return evil for good. Proverbs 19:26, “Whoever robs their father and drives out their mother is a child who brings shame and disgrace.” Now not every parent is perfect but the assumption here is that children receive good from their parents and those who refuse to return it act shamefully. Returning evil for good brings shame. You see a picture of this in the life of David. When a neighboring king who was a friend of David’s died, David sent emissaries to express his grief. The dead king’s son took David’s emissaries to be spies, treated them horribly, and sent them back humiliated. He returned evil for David’s good and that had consequences for him. You see another picture of in the life of David with Uriah. Uriah did nothing but good to David. He was one of David’s mighty men. He dutifully obeyed every order his king gave. David repaid him by killing him and taking his wife. That brought consequences for David. That brought shame upon David.
Failing to keep marriage vows brings shame. Proverbs 12:4, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” We all honor the man who visits his wife every day in the nursing home; the man who divorces his wife because she’s been diagnosed with a debilitating disease receives a different reputation. A wife who makes her husband’s life better is to be treasured. That’s Proverbs 31. There is no corresponding celebration for the wife who makes her husband’s hard life even harder.
Falling in with the wrong crowd will bring shame. Proverbs 28:7, “A discerning son heeds instruction, but a companion of gluttons disgraces his father.” Now, we need to be careful here because Jesus hung out with the quote-unquote wrong crowd. The difference, however, is that Jesus didn’t fall in with their ways. He was like a man on the edge of a river pulling people out to save them from destruction rather than a man floating down river with them. Falling in with the wrong crowd and floating down river with them will bring shame.
Pursuing your own honor will bring shame. Proverbs 25:27, “it is not good to eat too much honey, nor is it honorable to seek one’s own honor.” This is what Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for. They were praying, tithing, and fasting to be thought of as super-spiritual. We do this in a thousand different ways. We name drop. We bring up whatever it is we think will bring us respect— our fitness regimen, our parents’ professions, our children’s accomplishments—we do it so that others will think better of us, but when we do it to seek our honor it doesn’t have that effect. Trying to get honored brings dishonor.
So, trying to be honored brings shame, falling in with the wrong crowd brings shame, failing to keep marriages vows brings shame, returning evil for good brings shame, speaking out on what we don’t understand brings shame, refusing to do our share brings shame, continuing in foolishness after being corrected brings shame, and embracing what is false brings shame. Now each of us falls into foolishness. The sheet before you is just for you. Write down ways in which you’ve brought shame upon yourself. You can just put letters in case you are worried about someone seeing it—maybe “H-S” thinking what happened when you got caught up in the wrong crowd in high school and the trouble that came with that. This is just for you to think about your experience with shame. It could be something totally different from what we’ve studied so far that has brought you shame. Write that, or if you don’t want to write anything just think about it.
Now consider that Jesus knew what it means to be shamed. He wasn’t shamed because of any sin or foolishness on our part. He was shamed for our sin and foolishness. The clearest sign of that is him dying naked on the cross while being mocked. Fernando Ortega gets it right in his song Sing to Jesus, “Come and see, look on this mystery. The Lord of the universe, nailed to a tree. Christ our God, spilling his holy blood bowing in anguish, his sacred head. Sing to Jesus, lord of our shame. Lord of our sinful hearts; he is our great redeemer.” Jesus can be Lord of whatever he wants. He can be known for whatever he wants. He chooses to be known for our shame. That’s a reason to sing to Jesus.
Let’s turn our attention to honor. That’s our final point: the joy of honor. It’s good to be honored. Proverbs 22:1, “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” Now we certainly don’t want to wrap our identities up in what others think, but neither do we want to ignore the fact that being honored for what is proper is good and a joyful experience. We want to be honored. We would do well to honor one another. What a world it would be if husbands regularly told their wives how much they meant to them and children honored their parents for what they sacrificed for their well-being. What a world it would be if we all regularly said what we appreciated about each other. That’s the type of world we are to build, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” That’s the type of world we’d like to live in.
So, what do we honor? What brings honor? Acting wisely brings honor. In Proverbs 8:17-19 wisdom says, “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. With me are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity. My fruit is better than fine gold; what I yield surpasses choice silver.” If you grow in wisdom, you will grow in honor. The hope is that we all grow in wisdom through this study and so become more honorable. That’s a proper and possible result of six weeks spent in Proverbs.
Righteousness and love bring honor. Proverbs 21:21, “Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor.” Righteousness is that which conforms to God’s character—God tells the truth and so telling the truth is righteous; God does only what is just and therefore doing what is just in your situation is righteous. Treating others as God treats you will bring you honor. This is why we honor CEOs who don’t lord their position above their employees. This is why we honor statesmen who keep their promises.
Love brings honor. Mother Theresa poured herself out for the good of others. She’s honored. Grandmothers who pour themselves out for the good of others are honored. WE honor those who act for others and not for themselves.
Humility brings honor. This one seems to be the most important if frequency is any indication. Proverbs 5:33, “Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord, and humility comes before honor.” Proverbs 18:22, “Before a downfall the heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor.” Proverbs 29:23, “Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor.” Proverbs 22:4, “Humility is the fear of the Lord; its wages are riches and honor and life.”
We tend to think that humility consists in thinking less of yourself, as in finding our flaws and magnifying them. That has nothing to do with humility. “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less,” as CS Lewis put it. Humility consists in thinking less often about yourself because you are thinking more often about the welfare others. In other words, love and humility walk hand in hand through life and as you grow in one, you grow in the other. That brings us to our third question: how have you grown in humility over the past five years? It might not feel that way in the middle of the process, but growing in humility leads to honor.
We love humble people. Jose Mujica was president of Uruguay from 2010 to 2015. Although he was poor, he gave away 90% of his salary. He drove his 1987 Volkswagen Beetle everywhere as you can see in this picture.
He didn’t live in the presidential palace but lived at his farm with his wife. In this next picture you see him waiting in line like everyone else at the hospital.
Regardless of your politics, how could you not like that guy?
How could you not like a guy, who, although he was God, didn’t consider that a fact to be used to his advantage but instead made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness, and humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” That leads to honor, which is why Paul said, “Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name.” Humility leads to honor because that is the way of God.
The Father honored Jesus for his humility. That’s the opinion Jesus lived for. Jesus’ way of life has brought him great honor among men because of the way honor and shame work, but Jesus didn’t live for the honor of men and neither should we. We should be thankful to receive it but not live for it. Jesus could say what Os Guinness wrote about the Audience of One, “I live before the Audience of One. Before others I have nothing to prove, nothing to gain, nothing to lose.” Seek honor from God. Honor and shame matter in this life. They matter a lot more in the next one. Live to be honored by God. Amen.