A message on the relationship between faith and family
“18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
Teresa married Tim because it just felt right. Teresa had children because that’s just what you do next. Now Teresa feels like the dog who caught the car. She’s got it all but she has no idea what to do with it. She doesn’t know what to do with her husband. She doesn’t know what to do with her kids.
This isn’t to say that Teresa isn’t a capable woman. She’s quite capable, but she wants a handbook. She wants to know what she is to do with this husband and these children. That’s what this morning’s passage is all about. We’ve been studying the fullness of Christ in Colossians and this morning we take that fullness and apply it to the home. This way of doing family fits the fullness of Christ. That’s the claim of this sermon: there is a way of doing family that fits the fullness of Christ.
We will study this in three points. First: household codes. Second: husbands and wives. Third: fathers and children. First: household codes. Second, in verses 18-19, we see husbands and wives. Second, in verses 20-21, we see fathers and children.
First: household codes. The family has always been a stabilizing force for society. The more stable the families, the more stable the nation. Right now, there are 70 million more men than women in India and China. That means tens of millions of men will not be able to find a mate. That’s a recipe for national instability. The family has always been a stabilizing force. There is a reason they call it settling down.
This was no different in the ancient world. They knew that the family was a stabling force. They urged this stability with what are called household codes. These were the job descriptions for family members. Our culture has its own own household codes. We hang them up in our home. Please pull up the first slide.
“In this house we do second chances, we do grace, we do mistakes, we do real, we do prayers, we do I’m sorry, we do loud really well, we do hugs, we do love, we do family.” That’s a household code. He’s another one using Disney.
“In this house we love each other to infinity and beyond, because “Ohana” means family, and no one gets left behind or forgotten, so we just keep swimming, or just let it go. Adventure is out there so Hakuna Matata. We know that we aren’t practically perfect in every way. We are never too old to wish upon a star. All it takes is faith, trust, and a little pixie dust, and we will live happily ever after.” People put those in their homes to remind themselves of how they want to do family.
The ancient near east household codes were different. They were aimed at producing and keeping stability. Now we don’t live in a culture that prioritizes stability. We live in a culture that prioritizes personal expression. We are much more into, “as long as you are happy,” than learning to play the roles we are given.
The ancient near eastern household codes prioritized stability. The New Testament household codes, like the one we are studying today, prioritized that and something better. They prioritized Jesus. They weren’t into stability for stability’s sake. They were into what fit Jesus. You see that in Paul’s rationale in verse 18, “as is fitting in the Lord,” and “this pleases the Lord” in verse 20. These words for wives, husbands, fathers, and children aren’t merely about having order at home—as nice as that might be. They are about what fits Jesus.
So, let’s see what fits Jesus starting with marriage. That’s our second point: husbands and wives. The first action that Paul says fits Jesus is submission. “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” The Son of God submits to God the Father. This doesn’t make him any less God than God the Father. It just means the Son and the Father have different roles. You never see God the Father guided by Jesus. You see Jesus guided by the Father. They are both fully God, but they’ve got different roles. The Father is the leader. The Son follows. The Father is the head. The Son is not. Thiss has a correspondence in marriage. As Paul put it to the Corinthians, “the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” He puts it this way to the Colossians in verse 18, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
Notice that this word is directed to the wives. Husbands are not told to demand compliance from their wives. Wives are told to respond to the husband’s leadership. A few years ago, the US Attorney General used Romans 13:1, “Let every person submit to the governing authorities” to call for obedience to the government. Not surprisingly he received blowback. That verse about the government and this verse about marriage are not about demanding compliance. They are about us submitting ourwelves to the order God has arranged.
There is an order. There will always be someone in charge. There will always be someone with whom the buck stops. You can’t have two leaders in a marriage any more than you can have two managers in an office. As Oscar facetiously put it on The Office in the episode when they had co-managers, “Look it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents, a boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be, without the popes?” The joke is that there can never be two people in the same role. The husband plays that role of the leader in the marriage.
The husband can’t help but lead. He might lead by kowtowing to everything his wife says, but he’s still leading. That’s what makes the kowtowing so obvious. He can’t get away from that role any more than your head can get away from its role in your body.
The husband needs to own up to that and take responsibility. Before Bethany and I got married, I said that I wanted us to do devotions together daily. A week after we got married, she asked if I was serious. It was a fair question because we hadn’t done devotions together yet. I was the leader and I wasn’t leading in the direction I promised.
The husband needs to take up his responsibility. The wife needs to respond to his responsibility. The wife is to cheer her husbands on in his responsibiliy. Robyn McKelvy connected her days as a cheerleader to her marriage. She says, ‘When I was a cheerleader, we just didn’t have the best of teams. Money was low in our school district and we didn’t have the support or foundation that made us an A-1 team. But week after week, our players suited up and played the game… As cheerleaders, before we went out on the field, we never knew which games would be the victorious ones so we cheered with all our might—every game If we were down by many points, we felt it was up to us to incite our boys to fight and win… [your husband] needs a cheerleader to inspire him through his successes and failures, worth or misfortunes. He needs to be able to hear your cheering voice over his shoulder whispering in his ear, “go, fight, win.”’ If you are a wife, would your husband say that you believe in him?
The wife is to submit to her head the way Christ submits to the Father. The husband is to lay down his life for his wife the way Christ laid down his life for the church. They both fit Christ. That’s what Pizza/Bible/Life talked about this last week from Ephesians. We see it here in verse 19, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
This love is the husband’s “unceasing care and… service for [his wife’s] entire well-being,” as Peter O’Brien put it. If you are a husband or thinking about becoming a husband, that is your job description. Your goal is for your wife to say, “my man gives me unceasing care and loving service for my entire well-being.” Just like the wife’s goal should be for her husband to say, “my wife really does respect me and honors my lead even if she thinks I’m wrong.”
Now, husbands, you might have reasons as to why you don’t want to lay down your life for your wife. Your wife has might have reasons for why she doesn’t want to honor your leadership. Neither of them are relevant to what must be done. What’s relevant is Jesus. This is part of doing it all for Jesus. This is, “whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him,” which we studied last week applied to being a wife anord a husband. Act like Christ. Honor your husband as the Son honors the Father. Lay down your life for your wife as Christ laid down his life for the church.
It’s not about Teresa. It’s not about what Teresa thinks about Tim. It’s not about whether Tim is pulling his weight. It’s about becoming more like Jesus applied to marriage. Now we see it applied to childrearing. That’s our third point: fathers and children.
This point is entitled fathers and children rather than parents and children because Paul wrote it to fathers and children. He wasn’t ignoring mothers. You see that in “children, obey your parents,” rather than simply, “children, your fathers.” He was, however, focusing on fathers because in Roman culture, fathers had unlimited authority in the family. If you grew up in America, you have never met a father with the authority of a Roman father. A Roman could kill any of his children for whatever reason without legal repercussions. That’s why Paul wrote to fathers and children rather than parents and children. There was an order to the family that superseded the Roman order.
As with marriage, though, these words about childrearing are not merely about order. They are about Jesus; verse 20, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” This is about pleasing Jesus. This is about becoming more like Jesus.
Children, you please Jesus by obeying dad and mom. You become more like Jesus by obeying dad and mom. Jesus obeyed his Father. You obey your parents. Listen to your mom when she tells you to make your bed. Obey and make that bed. Listen to your dad when he tells you to stop teasing your sister. Obey and stop it. That’s has much more to do with you becoming like Jesus than your just sitting nicely in worship.
If you are a teenager, you might find yourself thinking, “okay, Jesus obeyed his Father in everything. I get that, but his Father was perfect. My parents aren’t.” No, they aren’t, but the question you need to consider is, “who put you in your parents’ home?” Jesus’ Father did. Jesus knew his Father put him in Joseph and Mary’s home. Jesus grew up seeing far more imperfections in Joseph and Mary than you see in your parents, but he obeyed his imperfect parents. You become more like Jesus by obeying your imperfect parents because God has put you in that home.
Your choosing to obey your parents really isn’t about them. It’s about what’s going on in you. Do you want to become more like Jesus? Do you, like Jesus, trust that God has put you in this home for His reasons and that you live into those reasons by obeying these parents?
You don’t want to merely obey your parents because you are living under their roof. You don’t want to merely obey your parents because they pay the bills. All that’s doing is setting you up for future selfishness on the day when you pay the bills and set the rules. You want your life to be about becoming like Jesus today and ten years from now. That will set you up for fullness rather than resentment when you are the one paying the bills and setting the rules.
Selfishness in setting the rules is what verse 21 is trying to avoid, “Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Rules can do more harm than good. Attempts to enforce what’s right can do more harm than good. Well-meaning expectations can do more harm than good. Remember that the Roman father wielded unlimited authority. It’s not hard to imagine such a father being overbearing no matter how good his intentions.
Parents are in authority. Fathers, as the leader of the home are even more so. They need to be careful to wield this authority wisely lest their children become bitter. “Fathers do not embitter your children,” as verse 21 puts it.
The Young Men’s Discipleship Group talked about this, this past week. We’ve been talking about parenting. This week, in our reading, we came across a list of what embitters children. You can embitter them by controlling them, offering them no real choices. You can embitter them by disciplining them with anger and guilt rather than empathy and consequences. You can embitter them by withholding love, attention, and time. You can embitter them by not affirming their successes but only commenting on their failures.
We don’t want to embitter our children. Neither do we don’t want to discourage them. That’s the second half of verse 21, “Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” If a child decides that there is no way to please dad, he’s going to respond. He might respond by no longer trying. He might start looking for affirmation in all the wrong places. He might simply keep his head down until he can get out of there and no look back.
You don’t see any of that with Jesus and the Father. The Father never embittered Jesus nor discouraged Jesus. Now that’s remarkable because the Father had much weightier expectations for His Son than we have or should have for our children. The Father expected perfection of His Son. We would be cruel to expect that of our children because they aren’t God. The Father didn’t embitter or discourage Jesus. He did the opposite. At his baptism He said, “this is my Son, whom I love.” Think how emboldened and encouraged you would if you knew that when your father looked at you, he was thinking, “this is my son, whom I love,” or, “this is my daughter whom I love.” That’s the call. God puts children in homes so that the parents can become more like Him as they love their children. It’s all about knowing God and becoming like God or as our vision statement puts it, “knowing God and imitating Christ.” It’s not about us. It’s about him. It’s about becoming like him. That’s fullness.
That’s the fullness we want. We want that for the marriages of this church. We want wives to get what they need in God and not from their husbands so they can honor their man even when he’s not completely honorable. We want husbands who want nothing more than to become like Jesus. We want it to show in the way they treat their wives. We want children—and children can think these through just like adults, which is why Paul wrote to them too—to honor their parents rather than showing the active dishonor that is so prevalent in our culture. We want parents to parent in such a way that their children have an inescapable picture of God. That’s fullness. It’s no surprise that genuine revival involves turning the hearts of the children to their fathers and the fathers to their children as Malachi 4:6 put it.
That fullness is what Teresa wants. The question for her is whether she’s willing to ask God for help to do her part. The question for Tim is whether he’s willing to seek the Spirit to do his part. The question for them and their kids is whether each of them is willing to do their parts. The question is whether they would find it filling or foolish to put the following household code up in their home. Please show the last slide.
You saw, “In this house we do second chances, we do grace…” You saw, “In this house we love each other to infinity and beyond…” Here’s a household code for the Christian home, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” That meet seem out of date or strange. In a hollow culture fullness will seem strange. Amen.